


If You Only Just Believe

by JFACHardyzRKO



Series: Is this real? [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dark, Episode: s12e01 Keep Calm and Carry On, Gen, Kidnapped Sam, Mental Instability, Rating based on typical Supernatural violence, Sad, Season 12 episode 1, Spoilers for S12, mentions of canon torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:02:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28119627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JFACHardyzRKO/pseuds/JFACHardyzRKO
Summary: Sam's lying in his bed, his brother by his side. He's resting and he's healing. This has to real...right?
Series: Is this real? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060049
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	If You Only Just Believe

**Author's Note:**

> Oop over 4yrs later and we have a follow up to No Light at the end of the Tunnel. If you were expecting happy, so was I. And yet this angst fest happened.

When Sam wakes up again he's lying down. His head is killing him and he can feel how dehydrated he is when he tries to swallow. 

His eyes won't open, they're so heavy with exhaustion. He dimly registers that he's laying on something soft, comfortable even. Then he hears the voices, and he starts to remember. Everything comes back in waves, the last things he remembers before he passed out again. 

Dean. Cas. Mary. That horrible vision that had him wanting to end it all.

Sam takes a deep breath and tries to focus on the voices. They're familiar, almost comforting, if he's being honest with himself. He almost lets the feelings of peace and comfort wash over him, lull him into a place of false safety. But he knows better. Knows that as soon as he lets it happen, the Brits will snap him out of it with fire and knives and pain. They don't want to see him happy. They want him in his own personal hell.

He takes a deep breath and feels his lungs struggle. He coughs and groans, the movement causing pain to flare in his chest and abdomen. Then Sam hears the voices get closer. 

"He's awake," one of them yell. It's deep and gritty. Cas, if he had to guess.

Sam hears boots running down the hall, then a rough hand holds his as another touches his face and head.

"Sammy. Sam. Hey man. Hey it's ok. You're ok."

The voice is Dean's. Sam would know it anywhere. The hands are his too. Sam's felt them on his skin more times than he can count. Even more during these visions. 

Sam remains quiet, his eyes shut. He's not going to give in this time. Get hopeful. Not like last time. They almost had him. If Mary...if Mary hadn't shown up he would've believed it. Believed his brother somehow survived and made it back to rescue him. If anyone could survive God's sister, it'd be Dean.

"No, no not right now. I got it. I got him!" 

Dean's yell jolts Sam out of his thoughts; snaps his eyes open to the pale yellow light. He blinks and sees Dean beside him in a chair. Realizes they're in Sam's room. _This is new_ , he thinks. 

Dean looks up when Sam's breathing changes. Sam turns his head to the side and can see relief in his eyes. Joy. Sam doesn't want that to go away. For too long now all he's seen is his brother pissed at him. Shouting accusations and saying he wishes he'd never been born. Sam prefers this, for now. A softer torture.

"I wish y-," Sam swallows, mouth and throat so dry that words hurt, "you were real," he says finally. 

Dean's brows furrow. "I _am_ real, Sam."

The way he says it. So sincere, confused and worried. Sam wants to believe him. So desperately wants this to be true. To be back home with his brother, safe with Dean by his side. But Sam knows better. He can't lose sight of that. As soon as he gives in, they'll rip this away from him. 

He winces as he turns his head away from Dean. The hands are back on him now, feeling his forehead, his cheeks. _Dean thinks I'm sick_ , Sam thinks fleetingly, before realizing that makes no sense. He's in Sam's head, knows damn well what's wrong with him.

"Sammy?" Dean's voice is soft, almost a whisper and Sam realizes he's closed his eyes again but he's tired. So tired. And a little sleep couldn't hurt.

**||**

His days are the same for a while after that. He wakes, always with Dean by his side. He tends to Sam's wounds and helps him use the bathroom. Spoon feeds him warm broth and fluffs his pillows. Cas stands by the door some days. His own guardian angel.

He doesn't know how long it's been since he's seen the Brits. Could be days or weeks. The visions make it easy to lose time. 

But then he starts to feel better. Feels how easy it is to breathe again. How he can wiggle his toes without it burning. He can move his arms and the muscles no longer strain. It's a weird feeling, being...better. None of his hallucinations have ever been like this. This clear and safe and kind. 

Dean has a warm washcloth in his hand today, working it over Sam's toes, up his calf. He massages the muscles as he goes.

"Dean are you...". Sam is scared to finish the sentence. _Could this really be real? Did Dean survive Amara? Come to my rescue as he's done so many other times?_

Sam's head races.

"Am I...what," Dean asks, working his way up the other leg now. His voice sounds raw. On edge. 

"...real." Sam barely gets the word out. To call it a whisper would be too generous. 

Dean sits the cloth back in the warm water on the bedside table and wraps a calloused hand around Sam's bicep.

"Yes, Sammy. It's me, little brother. I'm real." He says it with a sadness in his voice. With a practiced ease that makes Sam think they've had this conversation before. 

If they have, he doesn't remember. 

Sam stares into Dean's eyes.

"Do you promise?" The sentence makes him sound 5 years old again, begging Dean to promise he'd come back from a hunt.

Dean breathes out a long breath, the faintest hint of whiskey infiltrating Sam's senses. "I promise, Sam. I promise. You're home." He gives Sam's arm a squeeze then goes back to washing his legs.

And Sam...he believes him, he thinks. Tries to remember the last time he saw any of the Brits. Tries to remember the last time he was hurt. Tries to remember why he didn't believe in the first place.

Of course Dean survived. Of course he found him and saved him. It's what they do. It's who they are. Who _Dean_ is. Always there to protect his idiot little brother. 

He's washing Sam's arm now. Working the warm cloth over each finger, his palm. Sam turns his head and looks up at him. Really looks at him for the first time since he's been here. And he can see the lack of sleep. The bags under his eyes and beard he has growing. Can see his unkempt hair and the way his shirt is wrinkled. 

Sam's home. He's safe, his brother saved him. He smiles then. For the first time in as long as he can remember. 

Dean looks, giving him a relieved smile back. The wear on his face telling Sam that that's the first time he's smiled in a while.

But then Sam's eye catches movement in the doorway behind Dean. He thinks it's Cas, back to stand post at his door. But when he blinks to focus, his eyes go wide and his heart sinks.

Faintly he hears Dean curse, hears him move and yell and then a door is slamming and hands are on him again. But Sam won't open his eyes this time. He won't. He's fallen for it again. 

Dean is speaking but the words don't register. Sam's mind is racing and completely still at the same time. His heart is pounding and he can barely breathe. He knew it. He knew it was too good to be true. 

Sam hates this torture now. Would rather be bleeding and screaming in pain than thinking he's safe, only to be tormented by his greatest burden. He got his mother killed, and so there she was. Back to remind him that he's never going to escape.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this lived up to expectations! It's the 1st thing I've written since 2016. Maybe there will be a follow up with a happy ending? Who knows. 
> 
> Constructive criticism always welcome!
> 
> Come stalk me on [tumblr](http://octaviaabadassblakee.tumblr.com)!


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